Ale for the Soul

New Year's Eve!  Wow, where did this year fly too?  Along with staring down 2015, I also turned another year older on December 27th.  Who would have thought I would turn 41 years old?  Having a birthday, coupled with the onset of another year, gives cause for much reflection.  A friend recently asked how my year was.  Honestly, I had to confess it was kind of crappy.  (Different word was originally used for crappy. Ha ha!)  Upon further reflection, I slightly tweaked my assessment of 2014.  In spite of the low points outweighing the high points, I will consider the year as a wash...simply breaking even in this journey of life.  Some of the high points include: spending more time than usual with family, getting to travel more extensively this year, graduating from Tarrant County College with an Associates Degree, and so much more.  A few of the low points include: not getting into the school of my choice (UT Austin), getting screwed ...

On Thursday, October 30th, I set out for Mission Tejas State Park for a four day reprieve from the daily grind of what this secular world calls reality.  Each and every time I retreat into God's creation, I come away completely re-centered and grounded once again in the pursuits of substance.  As much as I try to meditate on a daily basis, it is such times as this which make a huge impact on my life.  The world calls the daily rat-race of material accumulation reality, but I ardently believe true reality exists only in the view of eternity.  Only in this eternal perspective and reality will such matters as personal investment in other people become worthwhile.  In addition, my eight years of sobriety from alcohol can find true meaning in the belief of a Kingdom of God and eternal life beyond the grave.  If I only have an earthly perspective devoid of a belief in God and eternity, then my sobriety and investment in other people are a complete waste of time. ...

Most people, however much interaction I may have with them, by and large under-estimate me.  This may play out in interrupted conversations with the other person's assumption I lack the necessary experience or practical, first-hand knowledge to sufficiently deal with the situation at hand.  Or the social transaction may take on the form of talking down to me, again assuming because I'm not quick to voice the educational training and knowledge or whatever personal opinion I have, that I am ignorant, slow-witted, or flat-out stupid.  Where or how people develop this opinion and treatment of me is foreign, groundless, and baffling to me.  Getting treated like this, effectively getting underestimated, is frustrating and offensive, but I often combat this source of contention by strategically acting in the very same manner people already think of me.  In other words, for personal amusement and a ploy against other people's mindset, I act naively to passive aggressive...

A recent burden of my soul is how much time I waste in non-productive, non-essential activity.  With all the projects I desire to undertake and complete, to say there aren't enough hours in the day is a slap in the face of reality and is not a plausible excuse.  To make this illogical rationalization denies the true nature of reality...I am a time-waster!  Time is a precious commodity which can not be recycled or replenished...it is a non-renewable resource.  Too much time spent on the Internet or driving in my vehicle around town performing "perceived" chores wastes huge amounts of time.  Once time passes, neither time nor lost opportunities can be recaptured.  May I become ever-cognizant of time as it flows through my hands, redeeming it for worthy causes and the many fruitful projects at hand. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jes...

To follow on the heels of my top ten favorite books, here are my top ten favorite sites to go camping and hiking.  They are as follows: 1)  New Mexico Bluewater Lake Canyonside 2)  Arizona Grand Canyon National Forest 3)  Utah Bryce Canyon National Park 4)  New Mexico Hyde Memorial State Park 5)  New Mexico Gila National Forest 6)  Texas   Lake Mineral Wells State Park 7)  Texas Buescher State Park 8)  New Mexico Carson National Forest 9)  Texas Possum Kingdom State Park 10)  Texas Sam Houston National Forest If you have ever been to one of these, please feel free to comment your thoughts on the blog.

     Without the ability and freedom to express myself, I lose the inalienable right to freedom of speech.  In listening to people when they speak, I am sorrowful at the inability of the person involved to adequately express his or her soul's yearning and desire.  Could this be from a poor vocabulary?  Or maybe the individual does not have the life experience in which to frame what the person is trying to describe and relay to his or her audience.      Earlier this year an acquaintance asked what it took to become a great writer.  Before answering his inquiry, I responded with a question of my own.  It was, "Do you like to read?"  His answer, much to my disappointment, was "No!  I can't stand to read."  In order to become a great writer, one must love to read.  And to learn how to exponentially maximize one's ability to express him- or her-self, one must love to read and write.  Both are expressions of the...

A friend recently challenged me to list my top ten favorite books of all time.  Here it is: 1)  Alexandre Dumas The Count of Monte Cristo 2)  Mario Puzo The Godfather 3)  Philip Yancey Rumors of Another World 4)  Charles Dickens David Copperfield 5)  Charles Dickens Nicholas Nickleby 6)  Milton Paradise Lost 7)  Leo Tolstoy Anna Karenina 8)  Saint Augustine Confessions 9)  Patrick O'Brian The Master and Commander Series (All 21 Books) 10)  Dietrich Bonhoeffer The Cost of Discipleship I would become flattered if you read any or all of these books.  Upon reading these books, please comment your thoughts on the blog.

Getting stuck in a rut and becoming stagnant is very unpleasant.  Sometimes God will make me very uncomfortable in the routine of simply going through the motions.  Life is tough enough, but even more painful when in a place I'm not supposed to be.  Living in Fort Worth has served its purpose, but time has been long overdue for me to move on.  It isn't as if I haven't tried, my plans simply unraveled by not falling into place or working out as planned.  Over the course of the last few months I have been barely hanging on to the last vestiges of what I call normalcy.  However, too much energy and effort has been expended in trying to make things work.  Attending school didn't work out.  Now the job I somewhat liked and enjoyed is a chore to report too because of all the drama.  My emotional and psychological well-being have been severely compromised as a result of seeing residency in Fort Worth degrade to a level of miserable existence.  ...

As much as I proclaim my strong dislike for where I am living, I do have the ability to make the best of a perceived bad situation.  Fort Worth does have its moments that truly make me say this is not a bad place to live.  This statement is said in view of external factors I have not discussed, but given the overall picture I must make peace with myself concerning my present circumstances.  A geographic change of my physical location will not solve anything unless I have begun making peace with myself.  As my accountability groups continually reminds me, it is an inside job.  Everything begins with me.  All this said to lead up to my present resolve to carry on living here with the mindset to pursue the many personal projects I want to accomplish regardless of where I live.  By no means will this take the form of escapism, but maybe I can take my mind off the feelings of being stuck and unsettled until life unfolds as it should.  Again, a personal...

Many goals and plans have been made, but very few, if any of them, seem to be coming to fruition.  In other words, nothing is going as planned or the way I would like it.  Therefore, I feel stuck.  Forward progression has stopped and I am stagnating.  In addition, the sense of peace and contentment I desire and would like to achieve has been very elusive.  Another translation...I feel unsettled.  Stuck and unsettled.  Wow!  Not a good place.  Momentarily living in limbo is at odds with good mental and emotional health.  In trying to keep my wits about me, I certainly don't want to make any knee-jerk reactions.  The proper course is in always thinking and responding to each and every day as it presents itself.  This is in view with a faith in God which believes His Almighty plan will unfold as He sees fit.  However, for the time being, I'm right here...stuck and unsettled.  In the meantime, maybe I can find r...

Yesterday marked my eighth sobriety birthday as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Reflecting over the last few years, I have seen growth in several areas of life.  One of the foundational tenets of my sobriety is, of course, to not drink.  If I remain abstinent, then I have a fairly good chance of making this thing called life work.  Initially the goal was physical wellness.  As I was able to piece together a few days on this journey, I could then move beyond the physical realm to the emotional and psychological wholeness I really desired.  There are many aspects to the A. A. program I do not agree with nor espouse, but overall the accountability group has helped me to grow and progress.  One benefit was a return to a belief in the true God, stripping away all the man-made ideas I added...ideas which were not God or His nature.  It is truly Him who keeps me sober.  The accountability group merely supports the work of God in th...

As the beginning of the fall semester at The University of Texas in Arlington approaches, I can still feel the sting of rejection from The University of Texas in Austin.  With a flawless 4.0 grade point average and a commendable record of community service and volunteer work, I should have been the model student and a shoe-in for this prestigious university.  However, that was not the case.  Failing to have me as a student is not hurting UT Austin one bit.  The only person it is hurting is me.  The resulting jaded cynicism is negatively coloring my worldview and preventing the enjoyment of other quality institutions and life experiences.  This cancer of bitterness also impairs surrounding relationships with others and jeopardizes my mental and emotional health.  In addition, it prevents me from the innate capability I have to actually perform to the utmost potential.  How do I move on after receiving such a blow?  What does healing look ...

"Unclean!  Unclean!".  In Biblical times, a man who had the socially stigmatic disease of leprosy would have to cry these words in public whenever approaching people or simply to move about town or his own village.  Each era in humanity's history would have its equivalent of these people, ones who were marked by some stigma pushing them into a permanent underclass.  Based largely upon ignorance or the unwillingness to understand these people, society has no qualms about alienating people who are marked for one's shunning.  Whether the issue is leprosy, AIDS, sex offenders, or the like, having the letter 'A' placed upon them ( The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne) does nothing toward discharging the innate drive in our soul to love our fellow man.  As society is driven to become more polarized, each person looking out for only themselves, hierarchy and class distinctions become more delineated causing chasms separating every one from their neighbo...

A few days ago I moved into a new place of residence, sharing a two bedroom house with a friend.  After three and a half years at the same address, I didn't realize how much stuff I had accumulated or how misdirected I had become in chasing what really matters.  All I wanted was to work, attend school, and then to come home in order to pursue the many passions and hobbies I enjoyed.  The former residence provided a refuge, a place to isolate and remove myself from the public eye.  It is as if I was trying to live under the radar in a city I already felt like I didn't fit in.  Have you ever experienced the feeling of being unsettled, unable to plant roots and really unburden yourself in your own fortress of solitude?  Do you still lack that place you can make a retreat too and seek solace from the whirling storms of life?  Until one does so, including myself, we can never truly find rest for our mind and soul.  My feelings as such ar...

How much is too much?  At what point do I cross that mysterious and elusive fine line into the realm of excessiveness?  Living in the same house for the previous three and a half years, I have discovered the materialism of this world has influence me beyond what I would ordinarily become comfortable with.  Moving from a large house into a smaller one, I am accosted by what I see.  Too much stuff...stuff I probably will never use or haven't used in months or years.  Now is the time to become a blessing to other people by giving these things away.  Moving is similar to camping in regard to helping me to re-evaluate what matters most.  As I process through the boxes, I can re-orient priorities and get back to the basics of life: faith, hope, and love.  (I Corinthians 13)  Thank you God for orchestrating life events which usher a return to a rightful relationship with and focus on you.  I am so blessed.

Wow!  Much to my surprise, I have not written in a month.  This is a brutal reminder how precious time is and how is it no respecter of person in the way it passes quickly by.  It is in such instances, regardless of the words spoken, my actions loudly proclaim my true priorities, along with how truly disciplined and diligent I may or may not be.  At the first of this month I was given notice by the landlord of his intention to have his family move into the house in which I reside.  So after three and a half years at the same place of residence, I am forced to uproot myself for a new "pad."  This is truly unsettling as I look for appropriate and affordable housing.  Thankfully I have found a place to stay temporarily, but I am still in need of a more permanent dwelling.  This is prompting thoughts of purchasing a house (home).  As with most changes and/or growth in life, this is for the better as it prevents stagnation.  In addition,...

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this," says the LORD of hosts, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows."  Malachi 3:10 NIV "For every beast of the forest is Mine, The cattle on a thousand hills."  Psalm 50:10 Continually I am amazed at the blessings which flow from spiritual faithfulness and obedience.  Often I hear people say, "You gotta give it away in order to keep it."  This never made sense to me, especially as a selfish person of the human race.  As I struggle to make enough money to cover my financial obligations, while cutting expenditures and frivolous spending, one issue I've never compromised on is giving God the first-fruits (10%) of the income He provides me.  While I could apply that specified amount toward savings or debt retirement, the negative long-term implications far outweigh any positive ...

"I have visited the tip of Argentina the region named Tierra del Fuego ('land of fire') by Magellan's explorers, who noticed fires burning on shore.  The natives tending the fires, however, paid no attention to the great ships as they sailed through the straits.  Later, they explained that they had considered the ships an apparition, so different were they from anything seen before.  They lacked the experience, even the imagination, to decode evidence passing right before their eyes.  And we who built the skyscrapers in New York, who build today not just galleons but space stations and Hubble telescopes that peer to the very edge of the universe, what about us?  What are we missing?  What do we not see, for lack of imagination or faith?" Rumors of Another World What on Earth are We Missing? Philip Yancey

This previous Saturday, May 10, 2014, I graduated with an Associate of Arts degree from Tarrant County College.  I was blessed to have my mother, step-father, and brother present to watch the Commencement Ceremony.  In addition to graduating, Sunday was Mother's Day.  I couldn't think of a better gift to Mom than graduating with a college degree.  The activities on Saturday were three years in the making: an investment of time, diligent studying, and sacrifices of employment and finances.  In reality, the culmination of Saturday's graduation began long before my time as a student in Tarrant County College.  Upon graduating Yoakum High School in 1992, I enrolled in to the college of life.  Most people immediately attend college post-high school, but I didn't due to circumstances beyond my control.  In the end, this was a tremendous blessing as I would learn invaluable life lessons and experiences a ...

"I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle." "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be...

"How long have you lived?  I didn't ask you how long you have existed as a breathing, functioning member of the human race.  I wanted you to tell me how long you have been really alive." "It was with a heightened awareness, a hyper-intensive consciousness, that I held that moment far too wonderful to describe.  In a mystical way, I stepped outside of myself at that moment and reflected upon myself experiencing it...I would remember that moment, because I truly lived it." "When I stop to think about it, most of my life has been the meaningless passage of time between all too few moments when I have really been alive.  They play it safe and tiptoe through life with no aspiration other than to arrive at death safely." "Every once in a while, something happens that shakes people out of such a mundane existence and introduces them to the ecstasy that lies waiting with hidden potential to be discovered in everyday life." Carpe Diem Seize...

A little over one week ago, I received news from The University of Texas in Austin they denied my application for admission as a student to their prestigious school.  Apparently they are so prestigious, people with a flawless 4.0 grade point average can't get in either.  This was a devastating blow to my ego, and a slap in the face of the hard work I've put forth these previous three years earning my Associates Degree at Tarrant County College.  The intellectual and emotional turmoil raging in my head has been non-stop.  On Monday I shared with my "Friends of Bill" group what I have been dealing with over the past week.  The topic of the group discussion was 'Acceptance' and how it is so important to serenity, as well as to emotional and physical sobriety.  I knew if I didn't deal with the storm raging 'between my ears,' I would eventually pick up a drink in order to numb and not deal with the resentment and hurt plaguing my heart and soul.  As mo...

Over the previous week I have been sorting family photographs dating to the early to mid 1800s.  Now I'm beginning to place those same photographs into photo albums in order to make the sorting process easier.  Subconsciously this has been a time of reflection.  As these thoughts bubble up to the level of cognizance, I find myself regretful over missed opportunity: time with family deciphering the wealth of information through pictures and documents I find before me.  In speaking to an acquaintance at the cigar shop, a realization dawned I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings.  How may we individually guard against this by seizing the day when we are younger, full of life, and taking such treasures as family for granted?  Now it is my duty to uphold my family honor and tradition by uncovering the treasure before me and sharing it with my present family.  The torch of the family heritage and culture has been passed on to me, howeve...

"God wants to change us into people who are truly noble, people who reflect an unswerving confidence in who He is, which equips us to face all of life and still remain faithful.  Spirituality built on pretense is not spirituality at all.  God wants us to be courageous people who are deeply bothered by the horrors of living as part of a fallen race, people who look honestly at every struggle, who feel overwhelmed by what we see, yet emerge prepared to live: scarred, still troubled, but deeply loving.  When the fact is faced that life is profoundly disappointing, the only way to make it is to learn to love.  And only those who are no longer consumed with finding satisfaction now are able to love.  Only when we commit our yearnings for perfect joy to a Father we have learned to deeply trust are we free to live for others despite the reality of a perpetual ache." Larry Crabb The False Hope of Modern Christianity From the book Inside Out

A friend once told me, "A person can change while not growing as a person.  However, a person can not grow as an individual without changing."  Neither situation is comfortable, but growth and change is a must if I desire true change and forward progression as a person.  Of course people can change for the worse, but growth implies positive, upward mobility in every realm of an individual: mentally, emotionally, and intellectually.  (This is not an exhaustive list.  Other areas may include the social arena and etc.)  As I wind down my tenure as a resident of Fort Worth, I must let go of comfort and routine in order to move on to the next stage of my life.  In addition, I recently learned my maternal grandmother's house is up for sale.  As a semi-full time college student, I do not have financially gainful employment in order to afford such a house appraised at $240,000.  As I see the passing of the torch from one generation to another, t...

This is the last of my wonderful Spring Break vacation.  After four glorious days visiting friends and family in Austin, and three days camping in Buescher State Park with a friend from Houston, I feel as if I am grounded as an individual again.  The time away detaching myself from what the rest of the world calls life or living, did wonders to re-evaluate what is meaningful to me.  In our technologically advanced day and age, I observe others and catch myself clinging to my phone, computer, and internet connection in the event I might miss something.  In reality, what I am missing is the simpler way of life.  Nature has a way of reorienting me to true living, a lesson back to the basics of what is the true substance of life.  True life, as I see it, is lived from the inside out, instead of external behaviors working their way inward.  In the end, I find a person's core character and beliefs are prostituted for what the world dictates a person should b...

Last Saturday, while at work, I met a phenomenal woman.  After conversing for roughly thirty minutes, I knew this woman had substance, intelligence, and other qualities I look for in an individual.  A considerable amount of time (years) has passed since I have made any type of real friendship with someone from the opposite sex.  Granted, finding women of substance and real depth is difficult, but I find cultivating and maintaining a friendship with one incredibly challenging.  I believe the reason for this is the tremendous influence society has on men and women as they move about differing social circles.  This influence may be what society considers proper gender roles, who the new "liberated" woman looks like, the false idea men only want "one thing," and so much more.  Sometimes people say exactly what they mean without anything hidden "between the lines" to be read.  In short, if a man says he only wants a friendship with a woman, why not tak...

Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. RALPH WALDO EMERSON, Essays During the Fall semester of 2013, I ran across this quote while taking an American Literature course.  These words struck like a thunderbolt!  Few things in life have such an impact.  "To be great is to be misunderstood."  Hmm...!  As I struggle to make sense of this stage play called life and the other actors involved, I push to the forefront the realization I have always known somewhat subconsciously.  And that is, I am greatly misunderstood: my thoughts, behaviors, actions, and overall demeanor.  The familial shaping of my formative years, the tumultuous adolescent years, and my experiences post-high school, work and social, have built upon one another to...

In 93 days, my tenure as a resident of Fort Worth, Texas will come to an end.  Reflecting on my time in this city, I must say many goals except one have been accomplished.  The one which did not materialize was probably the one which counted most.  This is the absolute void of meaningful and deeply enriching relationships.  Certainly I have a somewhat adequate support base and circle of friends, but what I am sorely missing and yearn for is the depth of relationship I had when living in such places as Houston or Victoria.  What is the missing link or key to open up a wealth of personally enriching and mutually beneficial world of relationships?  Is there any investment of effort I am lacking in placing forward?  To become a miserable failure in this personal arena isn't for a lack of effort on my part.  Many times I availed myself, almost to the point of tears, for someone (anyone) to invite me as part of a larger group to participate in whatever ...