Levels of Friendship

** Speech given at Toastmasters**

                During my few years on this earth, I have experienced many life adventures and have travelled to quite a few places.  In the process I met many people, some who turned in to life-long friends.  At first I had no differentiation of what exactly a friend consisted of; I simply thought everyone was a “friend” with the same levels of expectation placed upon one another.  During my mid-20s, I began to gain some sense of the varying levels of friendship in society.  In researching this topic, I discovered there are three levels of friendship: Acquaintance or Casual Friendship; Close Friendship or Fellowship; and finally Intimate Friendship.  Initially I had called these levels of friendship: Core Group, Inner-Circle, and Outer-Circle.  As with anything else in life, there is a slight variation in the school of thought concerning the subject, but for the most part the essential information is the same.  Let’s dive into what each of these three levels mean.

            The outer-most level of friendship is Acquaintance or Casual Friendship.  Aristotle would call this Friendship of Utility.  In this stage, people are meeting someone for the first time or have only met on a very limited basis.  In either case, the people involved are discovering who the other person is as an individual, what common interests, activities, and concerns they may share.  Friendships on this level are typically shallow and easily dissolved.  We may discuss the weather or sports, but there is no real relationship involved.  For example: my mailman or the cashier at the grocery store.  Aristotle chimes in once again to say relationships of this sort are not for pleasure but concerning what is beneficial to us.  So it makes sense I need the mailman to deliver my mail.  On a personal note, a friend of my best friend had a nasty habit of calling people at two o’clock in the morning to simply shoot the breeze.  In one instance in particular, I was unlucky enough to receive such a phone call.  Upon answering the phone I immediately stated, “You better be dead or dying to call me like this.”  Of course he wasn’t.  Unfortunately for him I was drunk and pissed off at the time of the incident.  I only took the call because he was a friend of my best friend.  The Book of Proverbs shares great advice on friendship when it states, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”  (Proverbs 13:20)  Also, “Make no friendship with an angry man: and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”  (Proverbs 22:24-25)

            The second or mid-level stage of friendship is Close Friendship or Fellowship.  Aristotle would call this stage Friendship of Pleasure.  Whereas a Casual Friendship involves oneness of soul, including mind, will, and emotions, a Close Friendship reflects oneness of spirit.  True Fellowship requires both persons to share the same life goals and the responsibility to picture true achievement for one another.  As a result, this type of relationship is characterized by belonging to a group of like-minded friends.  Aristotle states this level of friendship is also subject to fleeting relationships and abrupt change?  Who am I to disagree with him, but I can only say I have had a different experience on this level.  My outer-circle of acquaintances and casual friends has changed drastically while my inner-circle of friends hasn’t change very much.  Most of my long-term friendships of twenty to twenty-five years would fall into this category.  One such friend I’ve known for almost ten years is an example of this level of friendship.  We were definitely kindred spirits in our love to party.  In the wee hours of the morning he called me, his heart and soul in deep anguish.  As we were both heavy drinkers, he knew how empathetic I would be to his plight.  He had been pulled over again for Driving While Intoxicated.  What my friend could not or would not understand was how he continued to fall into this kind of trouble.  We were good enough friends for me to give this advice, “QUIT BREAKING THE LAW!”  Because I had been in his shoes several times before, I had every right to speak the truth in to his life.  The Book of Proverbs again states, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”  (Proverbs 27:6)

            Finally, the inner-most stage or deepest level of friendship is Intimate Fellowship.  Aristotle would call this stage Friendship of Virtue.  This stage should be based on a commitment to generously invest in one another’s lives with the goal of helping the other person grow and mature in life.  Requirements for this type of friendship are honesty, humility, and discretion, comforting another during his time of trial and sorrow.  Tough love and speaking the truth in love will also manifest themselves during this friendship.  Friends at this level have the freedom to correct one another and to point out their blind spots and suggest solutions.  Proverbs makes no bones about the advice given when it states, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”  (Proverbs 27:17)  “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  (Proverbs 17:17)  Also, “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.”  (Proverbs 27:9)  People in this group are hard to come by and truly want the best for their friends.  Virtuous friendship is described as completeness and the ultimate form of love.  In my life I have been blessed with two intimate friends.  When I lived in Houston, seeing one of us typically meant seeing the other two.  We partied together, camped together, and fellowshipped together whenever possible.  Whenever one of us was in need, we stepped in to carry our “brother” till he could stand on his own two feet.

            Due to growth in this area of life, I do not offer a blanket of friendship simply to anyone.  I can now easily recognize whether a person is an acquaintance, a close friend, or an intimate friend.  However, for other people the lines of demarcation may often blur as to which specific friend falls in to what category.  Truly I am already blessed by the gifts of friendship God has bestowed upon me.  Often I hear the axiom spoken, “A person is lucky to have two to three intimate friends over the course of a lifetime.”  I must say I have beaten the odds as I can count five people who are in my core group of friends.