Persona

Since the first day of class at U.T. Arlington I have been asking people to call me by my middle name of Elliott.  Part of this is out of personal amusement, with the remaining a mixture of other reasons out of an attempt to recover some of the drive and zeal for life I have recently found lacking.  I say recently when in fact the drive and zeal for life have been absent for about two years.  All those years spent living in Houston felt as if I was on top of the world living in the fullness of my gifts and abilities, at least on a somewhat superficial level.  My closest friends called me larger-than-life, the kingpin, and other such nicknames because I exuded boisterous energy and an unstoppable force to make things happen.  All of this made for great story-telling, when in fact I neglected my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  Fast forward to 2010 when I moved to Fort Worth.  Since then I have performed great feats in rebuilding my life after getting beaten down like I have never been beaten down before.  Now I am in the doldrums, having great and lofty but realistic goals without the apparent drive to make it happen like I did while living in Houston.  What happened?  Am I struggling with my identity?  So much of who I was in those days was wrapped around my career in the shoe industry and in my party days drinking heavily most every night.  The shenanigans which occurred were the stuff of legend, at least in my own inner-circle of friends.  To be honest, I miss those days when it was living full throttle, balls to the wall.  Now I'm older and more subdued, but now possessed of an intellectual cunning unmatched even of days of old.  I venture to suggest I am still the same person but with a more dry sense of humor, accompanied with a personality equipped for practical jokes and stunts performed more for personal amusement.  Every once in a while the old me will rear its head as my friends snicker and begin to laugh uncontrollably at the experiences in life I encounter.  Hmm, all this is food for thought.  One day this will all make sense.  Until then, I will continue to plug forward living life under the radar.  That's a thought!  Under the radar?!  Maybe this is how I should approach life with the demeanor God has graciously instilled within me.  By living life under the radar, people will underestimate me and not see me coming when it is time to come out in full force for what I want in life.  Hmm!  One of the many attributes in which I've always prided myself is the fact I am self-actualized.  In other words, I know myself very well.  How many people can honestly say they know themselves intimately?  What a goal to strive toward!  What a subject to ponder!  I exhort people to evolve in their self-knowledge.  Learn something about yourself each and every day.