Existential Depression

The definition of Existential Depression: inner conflicts characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning.  Ultimately my identity is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and life's meaning is to have a vibrant and fulfilling relationship with the same Lord.  This is in spite of circumstances swirling around me.  Some may argue reality sucks, but I posit that the spiritual kingdom encompasses the perceived reality of this terrestrial plane.  Reality may "suck" due to a lack of or failing relationship with Yahweh God.  This is where I am in life.  Devoid of ego or a superiorty complex, I recognize the gifts with which God has so richly blessed me.  The challenge is how do these gifts play out horizontally out of the richness of a vertical relationship with one I will call a Higher Power.  So much of my life has been spent in bitterness over lack of resources and opportunities to use the talents, skills, and abilities that are innately bestowed upon yours truly.  A lack of financial resources to pay for the opportunity to achieve higher education.  Degrees that would open doors to the career field I have wanted to pursue ever since Junior High School.  At almost fifty years of age, I have all but completely given up on a life of purpose and personal enrichment.  Please don't take this as a plea for help or a sign of suicidal tendancies.  Far from it!  Buried deep in my soul are embers that still burn with hope for the Lord Jesus.  The question is, "What strategies do I need to undertake on a daily basis that will prepare me for the time when opportunities open?"  The Biblical parable of talents and of the Ten Virgins underscore the aforementioned inquiry.  Hope is not completely lost; however, I fear that it may be so very soon.  I continue to have a flickering faith in the One who saved me from death and hell.  The prophet Isaiah promises that a bruised reed the Lord will not break, and a smouldering wick the Lord will not snuff.  Surely this is simply a cycle of life during which I must stand firm on scripture.  Lord, help my unbelief and lack of trust!

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